READ MY LIPS.

You always complained of me never mentioning you in my blog. I guess it's too late now, with your new life, you probably dont even bother to drop by here anymore. haha.
I guess i've got no one to blame but myself, for not knowing how to cherish you when i had you.
I'm sure you're agreeing fully with me.
Reality sucks.
I've been a pathetic wreck, crying my eyes swollen everyday. It's so miserable thinking of you, and thinking of the past feels like a million daggers piercing through me. Trust me, i'm not lying about this.
I hope you're enjoying your new life, but would like to wish that you'll still think of me occasionally, cos you'll never be 'just an ex' to me. never baby.

Super big thank you to huixian whom i've been troubling almost everyday. I really really appreciate your company and feel bad having to disturb you from your studying. You've been the sweetest, coming to look for me everytime i call you. Sorry if i've been making you worried.
To yingting, thanks for the company too. although we didnt talk much, company keeps me out from crying.
To christine, thanks for hearing me cry. haha. thanks for being my support in school, talking to me and taking care of me.
Koonann, sorry to make you so worried last night bro. If only it was him who came running looking for me. haha. joking. i really appreciate it and feel lucky that i've got a bro like you, who'll come to me anytime.
To kitmin though you dont know of this blog's existance, thanks for consoling me online. you feel better yourself too. Sorry i've always been talking about my stuff to you when you yourself have got matters of the heart too.

i wanna crap now, so go if you're not interested in the story.

He was the first real love.
Do you know how it feels like to be in love? you think of the person all the time, you put him in front of you. You dont mind spending all you've got on him but would scrimp on things for yourself.
He let me see things in a whole new light, and really made me feel special.
He was a romantic person, who never failed to pop me with surprises occasionally.
We hung out at each others' place, his parents are nice people. Not to forget his siblings. They never minded that i was only 17, though uncle and auntie chan's youngest son was even older than me. or at least they never said it out. haha.
He was sweet in everyway, making sure i had my meals and that i was happy.
Of course, the r/s was not just full of surprises. We had our fair share of quarrels too.
I gave in, i cried, i had my share of rude remarks. All these hurt a great deal, but because i loved him, they never made me want to leave him. He could shout at me for all he wanted, but i still wanted him by my side.
He was a jealous freak, got jealous of koonann, even my gfs. haha. But it showed how much he loved me right. i felt controlled, but he was irresistable. Much to my friends' dislike. They didnt like to see me hurt so bad, their impressions of him bad. But they supported my decision, they never stopped me from being w him and even helped me when we quarrelled. i thank them for that. (huixian, yingting, christine)
It doesnt matter how they feel cos it was me being with him. They know that i love him.
Till things started to get sour when i started working. I got confused with my feelings for awhile and just wanted to get away with the quarrels. I gave him the hardest time, i didnt give a hoot about him.
This is probably what i'm going through now, only that he's permanently gone.
I said i'd try to commit, but i spent alot of time in school, with friends, at work. I only met him once or so a wk. He's a guy who needs alot of love and wants to see his girl as often as possible.
But i didnt give him that.
i took him for granted i guess, until i got my feelings cleared, i felt like the past again, but he was slowly losing his love for me.
He started to not care about me, talking about a breakup everyday but i held on to him.
Till one day he didnt let me hold on anymore. the end. i dont want anything to do with you anymore. that kind of end.
The reality of him not being by my side anymore hit me. He got another girl. I tried all ways to get him back, but he said the feeling to try wasnt there anymore. He was sticking firm to his decision.
I guess this feeling came because of his new love interest.
When we first got tgt, there was this girl who always bothered him. She was his ex, and she kept calling and messaging him, asking how he could get another girl so soon.
Now the roles have been switched, and i have become that ex too.
This feeling sucks. Sometimes it makes me feel that suicide would make me feel better, i'm weak and cannot take this misery. i'd rather forget everything about him, forget his existance so i wont be crying everyday.
These memories flash through my head everyday, wherever i go. It hurts like fuck, maybe more. I wish i couldnt think of all these.
I miss him alot. But i guess you all could say that i brought this upon myself, that i didnt know how to treasure him when we were tgt.
Like he said i guess, love is selfish.
Love you chan yong kai.
29/10/2006- 29/1/2007


I guess i've got no choice but to wish that he's happy with his decision. But no matter what darling, I'll be waiting. pls get back to me soon.

There. rants of a pathetic crying wreck.